ADMIRAL USA VS. THE CANADIAN ILLUMINATI

 ADMIRAL USA AND THE CANADIAN ILLUMINATI CONSPIRACY

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"Fear not, citizen! Admiral USA is here to—wait, is that a Canadian cyborg mutant grizzly bear?"  

"Error: American patriotism detected. Initiating great Canadian countermeasures."  

"Oh come on! Who even funds you people?"  

"You dare question our power? You cannot handle the raw power we derive from sacred knowledge we have, eh. Like did you know the population of voting citizens could be manipulated? We can create political movements on whim! And make people so annoyed with one political ideology they do anything to vote for the opposite, and that’s where we get ‘em, eh. We harness the eternal pendulum of political climates! Left to right, right to left—chaos is our currency!"  

"Even for America’s superhero, that’s… disturbingly profound for me. I didn’t come here for an existential crisis!"  

“Admiral, god damn it, forget me! Save yourself! They’ve already forced me to watch a 10-hour podcast on the maple MAGA movement.”

"Nobody deserves that! Not even you, Ramon. Hang on, I’ll—WOAH! Okay, new plan: someone else handle the bear, I’ll handle the ominous political cult!"  

“Have no fear, Eagle Girl is here! I’ll save the journalist! American heroism trumps all!"  

"Not so fast, Stars ‘n’ Swipes! This is Canadian soil—I call dibs on the dramatic rescue!"  

“Dibs? This isn’t a backyard BBQ, Captain Canada!”

"No, it’s a life-or-death scenario. And I’ve got the home-ice advantage!"  

“That’s some good Tim Hortons iced coffee eh. How delightful. While you bicker, our plan advances. Soon, the world will know the true power of THE CANADIAN ILLUMINATI.”

"Why does that sound both so terrifying and so cute?"  

"Warning: patriotism levels unsustainable. Deploying universal healthcare debate."  

"NO! NOT THE WAIT TIMES ARGUMENT!"  

“Guys?! It’s your old friend Ramon Atila. Remember me? Still tied up here!"  

"Fine. How about this, Canada: whoever kicks the most illuminati butt gets to save him?"  

"Deal, Eagle Girl. But I get bonus points for style."  

"What counts as style in Canada? Apologizing mid-kick?"  

“Take that! Sorry!"  

“Fools! You cannot stop the inevitable swing of the ideological pendulum!”

“Maybe not, but we can sure stall it with gratuitous action sequences!"  

“I appreciate the effort, but could we speed this up? The laser’s counting down in Celsius!"  

"Tell us your weakness, you Canadian Illuminati jerk!"  

“Our one vulnerability… we have too much raw power, eh. ."  

"Monsters!"  

"Then let’s remind these Canadian Illuminaughties they’re not going to control America’s pocketbook…or our destiny!"  

“No! Everybody knows the Canadian health care system is completely funded by American subsidies. The Canadian Illuminati would not have it any other way!"  

"I’m sorry what was that, eh. I wasn’t listening.”

(Missing page)

“Wow. I’ve never seen evil defeated by passive-aggressive etiquette before."  

“That’s the Canadian Illuminati for you. Now, let’s get out of here before they start talking about how great poutine is.” 

"…Take me… to… a… vet…"  

"We’ll get you fixed up, buddy. Universal coverage, remember?"  

"Ugh. Even in victory, you Canadians win at being likable."  

"And that, my friends, is the real conspiracy."  

ATILA